NAMES. Where do they go?

Can you remember names? I can't. I'm useless at remembering them. They slip though my mind like water through a sieve. I've tried techniques and memory courses and, while they have sometimes worked in other ways, they just don't help me remember names.

It's frequently embarrassing.

Sometimes extremely so. I had a very good friend in an office where I worked years ago. I saw and spoke with him every working day. We discussed work and many wide ranging subjects, enjoying each other' company. One day my manager asked me to introduce him to a new member of staff. The day came. My friend and I were chatting as usual, and the new staff member was brought over to us.

"Hello", I said, "I'm Patrick Wise and this is ..." 

At this point my mind went completely blank. I had forgotten the name of my very good friend, who was standing there, smiling expectantly and looking from one to the other.

But my mind had frozen. I could remember that he shared his name with a very famous rock star, but which one? John Lennon? Elvis? Mick Jagger? Rihanna?  Panic set in and I fluffed. I offered a very lame, "Well, I better leave and let you two introduce yourselves. I have to rush to the post room to catch the morning collection."

Could I remember the name of Paul McCartney? No I couldn't.

I've always had this problem. It was a great relief when work conferences asked us to wear name badges. This helped enormously, but even then there were frequently problems. These name badges were often produced in minuscule print which could only be read from a distance of ten centimetres through a Sherlock Holmes type magnifying glass. This was doubly embarrassing. First because the only way to get that close was when the wearer's attention was distracted and second, if the wearer was a women you certainly didn't want to be seen squinting at her bosom through a magnifying glass. Women have a habit of wearing these badges either dangling on a string in the cleavage area or pinned very close to it.

I liked it at meetings with seldom seen colleagues and visiting agencies when we erected little name cards on the table in front of us. This helped enormously. A personal technique I used to use was to sketch a plan of the table seating arrangement as the meeting began and note each name on it as introductions were made. This was easy to disguise as notes for keen participation in the meeting. And it worked, or it did until we broke for coffee and stood around in groups. Then my mind went to mush again.

Just as people who can sing believe everyone can sing if only they tried - I am living proof that this is not true - so also with people who can remember names. They can. I can't.

A technique I sometimes try, if I'm feeling brave, is to just call the unfortunate 'nameless' person in front of me by any name that comes into my head. I try to choose a widespread one, like John or Mary, just to increase the chances of picking a winner. Sometimes it works, but when it doesn't all is not lost. With any luck they'll reply "John? No, I'm Algernon."

"Oh?" I reply. "Did I call you John? I'm sorry, Algernon. I must have been thinking of John Lennon/Prescott/Smith/Julius Norwich/the Baptist! Silly me! Of course you're Algernon. How could I forget. It's this wine, you know, Algernon. Always goes to my head. Algernon, of course it is!"

Frequent repetition of the name immediately following the gaffe is a desperate attempt to cement it into my brain for future use. It never works, but at least it goes some small way to rescuing the immediate situation.

Perhaps I could try starting a new fashion, although who'd want to model themselves on an old bearded bloke I can't imagine. You know that party game where you think of an outrageous character,  and then write it on a post-it note and stick on someone else's forehead so that you have to guess the name stuck on you? Well, couldn't we all walk around with stylish post-it notes stuck on our foreheads displaying our real names? Do you think that would catch on? No? Fat chance! Shame. It would have helped on old forgetful bloke in our house.

Missing Mr Clarke

1. I do miss Nicholas Campbell Clarke. He was better known to the nation as Nick Clarke and he presented The World At One on BBC Radio 4 at lunchtime every weekday. I liked him because of his extremely skilled interviewing technique. This last few months, in the lead up to the General Election, he would have been in his element.

   Unlike today's interviewers, mainly men I have to add, he was rarely if ever aggressive, and never rude. That was part of his skill. He made his interviewees feel secure and in control. He rarely interrupted them. Then, oh so politely, he would ask the killer questions. If he didn't feel satisfied with the answers he persisted, gently and calmly, to ask those questions. And if those being interviewed had been in any way deceitful, they squirmed. Nick gave them all the rope they needed.

   Compare that with the way political interviews are conducted today. They are less like interviews and more resemble aggressive heated arguments. And are far less informative than Nick Clarke's elegant encounters.

   Sadly Nick was taken from us way before his time, and I am sure I am not alone in missing him and his dulcet tones on the radio.

Thoughts of Armchairman Patrick - April 1st 2015

I've used this blog so far to try and record my early life for my children, and I will continue to do this as and when. However, having run out of steam on that, I now want to widen it's scope by adding some random thoughts as they occur. So here goes.

I am aware that I get annoyed very easily. For example, thousands of pounds of taxpayers money has recently been spent on redesigning a traffic roundabout in our town. It is a busy roundabout used by hundreds of motorists every day. The main thing wrong with it was that the white lines had largely worn away and needed repainting, and a little redesigning. Otherwise it worked well as far as I could see.

Not good enough for the road authorities. No, they decided that it needed major work done on it, and warned us of possible road closures while this was carried out. Up to seven months, they said.

To be fair, the road closures, apart from some lane restriction, did not happen and we were able to still get through with a little patience. However, they have just finished and the work has taken nearly a year.

But have we now got a superb redesigned roundabout? No, not in my opinion. We have lane that throws drivers unexpectedly into the right hand lane when you are expecting to be in the left lane, and another that indicates straight ahead, and then puts you into a turn left lane from which the only escape is across hatching, which is both dangerous and, I believe, against the Highway Code.

These are not the only dangerous aspects of this new design, but I won't bore you further on the subject. Suffice to ask who designs these things? Do they have any practical experience of their subject and suitable qualifications? One does wonder.

I hope that I'm just an old fuddy-duddy in this case, and that I'm proved wrong. I hope that the traffic does run smoothly round the roundabout, but I have an uneasy feeling about it. I really do.

Did you spot any good April Fools jokes today? I didn't, although with the Election getting well and truly underway now that politicians have been kicked out of Westminster to once more seek our crosses on ballot forms, it's hard to tell. 

Tourist Information in Romano-Britain

Many moons ago I opened a Tourist Information Office (TIC), as they were called then, in part of our family shop in Burford, Oxfordshire. The town still has one, I'm pleased to say. Very soon we became affiliated to the English Tourist Board and, although voluntary, I became an official TIC manager. 

Soon I was receiving their new in-house magazine 'Network', and in the first edition there was a competition. Write a piece on working in a TIC back in Roman times, they said. First prize was a beautiful new book on Roman Britain. I won it, by writing the following. I hope you like it.

"Hello dear ..."

"Hello dear. Did you have a good day at the Informationus Office?"

"Oh,not bad on the whole, but we had some tricky customers in this morning."

"Did you?"

"Yes. One shifty looking so-and-so wanted to know on which corners the biggest crowds gathered while waiting for the Arena to open."

"Shifty?"

"Well, yes. He had long baggy clothes on and while he as leaning against the counter to see the street-map I was showing him. I couldn't help noticing a third hand emerge from one of his front pockets and grab a load of free leaflets!"

"I see what you mean."

"Then we had an off-duty centurion. Poor devil, he was frozen because he was from the other end of the Empire, Peloponnese I think, and they've posted him to Hadrian's Wall! Anyway, I said that the best thing he could do would be to get down to the baths a bit quick and immerse himself in the hot ones until his leave is up!"

"Not many tourists about at this time of the year, is there?"

"No, not really, I suppose. But we do get a fair proportion of tinkers in. They want to know which are market days and what time the soldiers patrol - because they don't want to get moved on, I should imagine. One asked me which road he could get from here to Corinium on without being mugged! I said it depends how fast you can run."

"Is there anything good on at the Corinium Arena next week? I thought I'd take the kids along for a treat."

"Well, let's see now. On Tuesday there's 'Centurions versus Gladiators' with a few wild animals thrown in for good measure. I bet they'd love that!"

"Anyone special on the bill?"

"Well, the Gladiators' captain is Sid the Centurion Strangler and the others have Gladys the Gladdy-Basher - that ought to keep them happy."

"That's fine. I'll leave the kids in there while I do the shopping. It's nice to have somewhere that you can leave the kids where you know they'll be safe."

"I'll have to get in early to the Centre tomorrow, before the rush starts, so that I can make a start on the accommodation lists. Otherwise I'll have the Director breathing down my toga."

"Does he get bothered?"

"Not really, but he likes to keep the pot bubbling, as it were."

"I should think he's got enough on his plate anyway."

"Yes, he's trying to convince the Forum that we do a useful job. That's why he likes to keep us on the go, 'cos it's not too good for his argument if some Senator wanders in and finds us all sitting there, feet up and sandals off, studying Marathon form!"

"Have you got the new Pyramid Trail promotional stuff yet?"

"Yes, why?"

"Well, I thought I'd take the kids off on that next year. It would be nice if you came too, but I expect you're likely to be busy - what with all those folks coming in for the big census."

"Yes, I think I'll be tied up with all that, but you shouldn't be away more than eighteen months or so if you take the package deal. I'll nip down to the baths when they're quiet, so you needn't worry about my laundry."

"I'll need a good map. What have you got down down at the Centre?"

"There's a very good map of the Empire on folded papyrus - that's nice and light when you're travelling. We had a poor bloke in today who was trying to get around using a complete set of VIII over LCCCMXVV Ordnus Servus, engraved on marble! He was strapped up with more leather than a socked-out centurion - and his donkey looked a bit hollow backed too! Those maps don't even have visitor information overlay - not like your papyrus ones. Sometimes we get some twits with sand-boxes. We spend hours drawing out the local street-map for them with our fingers, then they go out the door and the wind whips the lot away! Anything rather than spend a few crowns on a decent map!"

"Ah well, I suppose you have to put up with that sort of thing when you work in a Visitor Information Centre. Here, you were a bit late back tonight, weren't you?"

"Yes, I got lost."

IPHONE ART ALL AROUND US - 3

These photos are time exposures ...

Cheltenham Town Centre

Italian Restaurant

The Abbey Grounds

Woods along the Churn

Buddlia

Morning Café

IPHONE ART ALL AROUND US - 2

I used a time exposure app in full daylight in the Abbey Grounds, Cirencester, to see what would happen. This is what happened.

Cotswold Water Park Lake 6, from the café. I just boosted the colours a little.

I love the fact that iPhones make street photography very easy. This is the Adamant Jazz Band outside Brecon Cathedral, warming up for the morning jazz service, where it is traditional for them to lead the clergy in and out of the building.

The Cotswold Water Park is being formed from ongoing gravel extraction works in the upper Thames Valley. This creates some intriguing photographic opportunities. This is near Ashton Keynes.

Ross-on-Wye August 2014. It stands on a red sandstone bluff above the beautiful River Wye, on the Wales/England border. This border country is known as the Welsh Marches (pronounced 'marshes').

Another time exposure app experiment in the Abbey Grounds, Cirencester. I don't cut and paste in my pictures. They are all straight shots except for the colour balance. I play around with colour filters, that's all.

A Cirencester apple orchard near us. This scene just leapt out at me and said 'Take me!' So I did. It's a straight shot except for the fact that I lightened the shadow slightly.

IPHONE ART ALL AROUND US

A selection of my favourite photographs ...

Gloucester Docks Silhouette, August 2014. I like the connection with sails and weather conditions here. I just under exposed the shot.

Gloucester Docks during filming of "Through The Looking Glass" August 2014. The tall ships always make the docks look olde worldly, especially with a touch of sepia filter.

New Brewery Arts Centre, Cirencester, 2013. The man and the pigeons are as it was, with postcard effect added using an app.

Smoke Bush, Abbey Grounds, Cirencester 2014. As with my other iPhone pictures this is a straight shot with just the colours brought out strongly by applying a filter.

Waiting for a bus, Ilfracombe 2014. I was in the bus station when I took this shot.

National Arboretum Memorial 2014. At the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month each year the sun is lined up with the slot in the wall and shines on the poppies. One hopes it is shining at that time. Very moving, even just thinking about it.

Clevedon Pier, 2014. At the end of the pier is a lovely little cafe selling tea, coffee and cake. I prefer that to fishing.

The Rosetta Stone, British Museum, London 2014. One of my 'selfies', using the reflective glass of the display cabinet.

Mill Stream, Cirencester 2014. A straight picture.

Abbey Grounds Fishing Lake, Cirencester 2014. All this took was to increase the contrast.

The Norman Arch, Cirencester 2013. A straight shot. I love the gateway being echoed by the doorway, both leading into the Abbey Grounds. 

Display Cart, The Organic Farm Shop, Wiggold, Cirencester 2013. This scene was just there for the taking, so why not?

Waiting for the Swindon Bus, Cirencester 2013. I just loved this chap's outfit. He had real style, but I didn't have the courage to ask him about it. It would have disturbed what, to me, was a gift of a scene.

The Vortex Water Feature, Alnwick Castle Gardens 2013. All this took was an increase in contrast. Otherwise the picture, again, is as it was, whirling water in a great steel dish. It is quite my favourite feature in the water garden, and takes about ten minutes to go through its sequence of emptying and refilling, so stick around for the whole show. So many people don't stay. Too impatient.

The North Sea at Alnmouth 2013. My personal caption to this is, "That's the North Sea, that is, Ethel. Starts here and goes all the way to Denmark." Feel free to make up your own.